The Great Sausage Roll Swindle.

Is this evil? Is this genius? Both? Where bold ingenuity resides, Luciferian intellect often also hides. We might be in danger of overthinking this.

If you don’t spend your spare time watching strangers on the internet forcing Bargain Buckets down their gullet, you may be unfamiliar with Nickocado Avocado. Having gained a following (and quite a lot of weight) with his hyper-indulgent Mukbang videos, Mr. Avocado revealed this week that he had actually been posting pre-recorded footage for the past two years. During that time he secretly lost 250lbs in what he’s described as ‘the world’s greatest social experiment’. He even lost his hair.

You might question the moral rectitude of a creator deceiving and exploiting their audience for engagement, but it’s hard not to admire such a well-executed Machiavellian machination. From water weight to Walter White in two years is genuinely impressive. Although we should probably say at this point that it’s not advisable to gain and lose such extreme amounts of weight in such a short space of time. But if you do, definitely monetise the sh*t out of it.

If there’s one thing this whole episode teaches us it’s that you shouldn’t believe everything you see on the internet. If you do, you might end up on live television accusing people of eating their pets.

Bricked Up.

Pharrell Williams is the archetypal uomo universale. From music to fashion to pulling off silly hats, he’s a proper polymath formidable in any field of human endeavour. And apparently that includes LEGO.

This week saw the release of Pharrell’s ‘Over the Moon’ LEGO set, a 966-piece black and gold spaceship with a pastel jet stream. Released at the same time as his new track ‘Piece by Piece’ and the biopic of his life portrayed entirely through a LEGO lens, this may look like a toy spaceship, but it’s actually a cross-promotional marketing masterclass.

What can’t this man do? Age, by the looks of it. Forget the LEGO, the track, the film, we want to know when he’s dropping the skincare routine. Smart money’s on salmon polynucleotide facial treatments. Maybe that’s why PETA disrupted the biopic’s premiere in Toronto. Fortunately security eventually caught up with the protestor and frogmarched her out, which must have really annoyed her.

Where There's a Willem.

We’re simple people. We see Willem Dafoe, we click. Especially when he’s leering over someone’s shoulder on the subway peeling an orange. Few people can make something so prosaic look so menacing.

Now that the weather’s turning and it’s no longer socially acceptable to cut about in swimming shorts, Crocs and a vest (was it ever?), one question is concurrently occurring to millions of people: what do I wear?

Zalando’s new campaign explores that very question in a number of scenarios. What do you wear to visit a grandparent? For a 60^th birthday party? For a first kiss? Hopefully those aren’t all the same event. But the answer is simple, and it lies within. Just ask yourself: WWWDD? (What would Willem Dafoe do?)

Beyond Good and Evil.

Like we said, we don’t know if Nickocado Avocado is a hero or a villain. But as far as Tubi are concerned, it doesn’t matter either which way.

Fox’s ad-supported streaming service have launched a campaign making it clear that their platform is free… for everyone. Saint or sinner, angel or arsonist, righteous or a right arse, legend or bellend, Mother Theresa or Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton, it makes no odds to Tubi. You could kick a monk in the shins on your way to vandalise a library for all they care. It’s still free.

While the ads are obviously meant to be entertaining, they do highlight an interesting philosophical point. The Manichean bifurcation by which we organise the world into neat categories of good and evil is nothing more than an illusory heuristic of convenience. There’s no such thing as moral phenomena, only moral interpretations of phenomena. To be a true Zarathustran creator, one must be a destroyer of values. First a camel to shoulder the burden of existence, then a lion to vanquish the existing shibboleths, then a child to create meaning anew: thus goes the metamorphoses of the spirit. At least we think that’s what they were going for.

For Fork's Sake.

We know what you’re thinking: what a load of crockery… but we assure you it’s perfectly true.

For reasons presumably only known to them, Tesco have decided to show off the sleek designs of their homeware by turning various items into outfits. A dress made from dinner plates? They’ve got that. A gown made from cutlery? They’ve got that. A coat made from cushions? They’ve got that. A negligée made from colanders? Err, no, they actually don’t have that – but if Tesco are reading this they’re welcome to have that one for free.

Where we used to see pots and pans, we now see opportunities for bold self-expression and sartorial elegance. Just make sure your dishes are clean before you try to wear them. I’ve smelt of shakshuka for days.

Das ist mur Wurst.

Adidas are at it again. This week they unveiled the new LC Predator Mania as part of their ‘Made in Germany’ range – a sentiment which based on recent plebiscitary patterns should prove rather popular in Saxony and Thuringia.

The 2002 Predator is the most iconic boot of all time, and this may be the closest we’ve seen to it since. So, naturally, adi needed an equally iconic player to front the campaign. Enter Alesandro Del Piero. Because why wouldn’t you get an Italian as the face of a campaign entitled ‘Made in Germany’?

Questionable casting perhaps, but we’re not mad at it. And the boots are sublime. They look good enough to eat… so that’s precisely what Del Piero tried to do. I’d like to think that was a bold piece of unprompted improvisation and the director actually hated it. That’s great, Alessandro – but could you stop putting the boot in your mouth? Or maybe the director kept saying ‘work’ in German and Del Piero got confused. Either way, the bloke is an innovator on and off the pitch. Molto bene.