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Volume 492

How’s your sore finger today? All healed and ready to be licked again? Today’s Coolsh*t brings you free chicken and lots of booze. But don’t get too smashed before your trip to Ibiza, the trip you’re not going to tell us anything about. We can only imagine how you’ll look splashing around in your new London Underground inspired swimwear. Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to enjoy the sun once you’re back, even if it happens to be reflecting off an Ikea mirror suspended in the sky.

No Tell Hotel.

You didn’t take a pill in Ibiza, didn’t see David Guetta play and you certainly didn’t stay awake for three days straight. What happens in Ibiza stays in Ibiza, and if it doesn’t, you’re getting sued by The Hard Rock Hotel. They want to make sure that all the stupid fun you have on the island stays strictly confidential. No posting your trip on insta either because photo evidence is strictly prohibited. That selfie with the inflatable unicorn in the pool? Delete it. The Hard Rock’s new Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) stops guests from sharing their experience at the hotel.  

Guests who pledge their silence and sign the document will be offered special undisclosed benefits. Or maybe it’s just a very cheeky way to stop people from leaving terrible Google reviews. What will these people get up to? We will never know. To all of you Hard Rockers, enjoy Ibiza, I hope your trip is truly unspeakable. 

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Tube Trunks.

Be an Angel and get some money out the Bank to buy these new tube seat inspired budgie smugglers. You will be Barking at these new designs, but a Central Line of enquiry is whether any waterways in London are actually clean enough for a dip, because I’ve heard the Water in our Loos is being dumped there.  

These teeny-weeny swim pants are just big enough to cover your Cockfosters, and your Shepherd’s Bush, but still don’t forget to mind the crack. Sorry for being so Epping rude but this release is Monument-al. Hopefully the weather improves so we don’t have to Borough away in our houses and can show-off the new swimwear we have in our Arsenal. Is reading this starting to hurt your Temple? The world is your Oyster, but I urge you to buy these pants for yourself and your Seven Sisters. Okay, I’m done, this is the Mile End. 

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Sunny Sweden.

It’s all smoke and mirrors this summer. Ikea is playing tricks with their new reflective billboard. In Sweden the weather is chilly even in summer so they need all the help they can get. An Ikea mirror does just the trick, reflecting precious sun onto the usually shady square to warm up the shivering Swedes. 

The billboard is controlled by GPS that follows the sun at just the right angle to reflect it onto seated people. I feel bad for the local birds that’ll inevitably get struck down, I hope the pile of dead pigeons under the billboard isn’t going to be too off-putting for the sun-starved Scandis. Perhaps that’ll add some extra drama to the campaign. 

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Move and Munch.

In Quebec everyone is in harmonious sync, moving together with fluidity and coordination. When one person laughs, they all laugh, they all go to bed at the same time and when one of them moves house, they all do, on the exact same day. Well, 1st of July was moving day and many of the fingers of the local Quebecians’ became ever so slightly less finger licking good. Lifting boxes and carrying furniture is an easy way to damage your digits. 

You may have noticed that a lot of brands have been offering strange legal help lately, like Heineken’s beer insurance last week and Hard Rock’s NDA policy this week. KFC is offering the synchronous Quebecians free food for anyone who’s finger was injured during the move. Again guys, please don’t go hurting your fingers just to claim your chicken, although, a good bit of fake blood and some bandages may do the trick. 

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Bottle Bling.

Another smashing one from Heineken this week, who told them to go touch some grass? …or glass for that matter. They have been turning broken glass hotspots into green zones for this sustainably and community development project. More of that please, thanks Heineken for raising the bar. 

Remnants of your messy Saturday night have been turned into pieces of home décor and jewellery. I’m glad Heineken are managing to turn our drunken eves into something more beautiful and palatable. Forget hangxiety and say hello to a hanging Heineken lampshade. Ringing headache? How about a ring made of Heineken glass. From boozy to beautiful, this is the Heineken message.  

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Absolute Andy.

Whether your mixing paint or mixing a drink, Absolute has got the artist inside you covered. This Andy Warhole inspired vodka bottle and campaign has a mysterious backstory. Many decades ago, Warhol was commissioned to paint an Absolute vodka bottle and rumour had it that a secret second painting existed. The lost painting emerged from the shadows a few years ago, a blue version of the original.  

Where had this painting been for so long? Some might say they purposely kept it under wraps to make this very campaign, but hey let’s not get too cynical. And why stop at Warhol, let’s get more artist inspired booze bottles, how about a Da Vinci dry rum, a Mondrian Malibu bottle or a Basquiat Baileys. Cheers to Absolut for bringing a splash of colour to our shot glasses.  

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