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Volume 491

It might be too expensive to buy pints in Norway but Heineken has you covered with beer insurance that only takes action once you’re fully drenched in IPA. With the weather being up and down this summer, remember your SPF and don’t drive a Tesla Cybertruck in the rain. We also have the Japanese government playing cupid this week and if you’re looking for some tunes to hype you up on your way to the date look no further than some AI generated beep-bops.


Lost your pint to the thrill of the game? You’re not the only one making mess when a precious goal is scored. Never fear. because Heineken’s beer insurance is here. HeineCare will replace your lost pint if you lose it in the heat of the moment. Don’t forget your life insurance too when you slip on the soaking floor to retrieve your next pint.  

We’re likely going to see an uptick in purposely spilled pints. Good luck to all the flooded pubs over the next few weeks, can’t wait to get drenched at the next big game. Luckily Heineken has got you covered with that too with their HeineCare pint poncho, a new bar staff essential, I’m sure. Anyway, here’s to scoring goals and fresh pints, and to Heineken for making sure we can cheer without fear this Euros. 

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No Way Norway.

Don’t forget to not smile when you’re in Oslo. The anti-ad of the year goes to the Visit Oslo campaign that starts with “I wouldn’t come here to be honest”. Dry Nordic humour at its best shows what’s wrong with the city while simultaneously explaining exactly what makes it beautiful and unique. It has to be said, some of our fave tourist destinations have become utter zoos and are too busy to be enjoyable. Oslo is a supposed hidden gem. Apparently, everything there is too accessible – although I wouldn’t quite go that far considering the place may well drain your pockets, especially if you think a £7 pint here is criminal.

Oslo may regret their new campaign when their nice quiet streets become mobbed with British travellers, don’t tempt us Oslo because you know we really are the worst tourists known to man.  

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We’ve seen Jesus in burnt toast, we’ve seen a human face in the craters of the moon, but we have never, until now, seen sporting figurines in our cancerous skin melanomas. Melanoma Fund is reminding us that football, swimming, and cycling can kill. Hopefully this campaign will make you squeamish enough to lather on some thick layers of SPF this summer. Although, you’re unlikely to find a tiny swimmer doing butterfly stroke on your back or a little cyclist riding across your forearm. 

This summer may be the perfect time to get some tennis lessons in or play some 5-a-side footy with your pals but remember to play hard and smart too. And beyond sporting, I don’t want to see any of you oiling up and baking in the sun like rotisserie chickens either. Your future selves will thank you dearly. 

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Robo beats are coming to a headphone near you, and don’t be alarmed when the songs sound eerily like a mashup of all your fave artists.  

War against AI music generators has been waged by record labels. Text-to-audio generators use decades of musical creativity to spit out similar sounds with a few prompts. The battle is being fought with some not very sexy lawsuits to stop companies using signed artists music to train their AI programs. 

The radio may soon start blasting artificially created bops, and to be honest I don’t really care, as long as it sounds good. We already have the virtual Abba concert keeping crowds pleased. What’s next? AI-generated boy bands? Robo-rappers? If an algorithm can make some good algo-rhythms, then I’m all here for it. Although I suppose it’s not great to rip off artists. Meh, details. The lines between human and machine creativity are blurring and we may have to brace for a shift. Will the human touch prevail? 

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Elon is really really bad at building cars – just stick to spaceships, my guy. Thousands of Cybertrucks have been recalled again due to malfunctions. This marks the fourth recall, and this time it’s because of a faulty windshield wiper. Yes, the cyclops truck has one giant wiper – tres innovative. The trucks are essentially not waterproof. I guess now we know why they built all those tunnels in Vegas that only Teslas can use… 

Who can forget when Elon accidently smashed in the window of one of his Teslas trying to prove its indestructability. This has got to be embarrassing for him, but beyond Elon’s ego being hurt, the malfunctions of the car are dangerous. One recall was due to the car breaks not working, but luckily no one died. Death by Tesla Cybertruck, now that’s one way I don’t want to go out.

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Date State.

How would you feel about Rishi Sunak setting you up on a blind date? Falling in love is now a state affair in Japan and they want to get people hitched and making babies ASAP. The government there have launched a dating app to fix their falling birth rate and marriage rate problem. I’m not sure if I’d trust any government to find me a partner but it’s a last resort for a drastically aging population.  

This dating app is not taking things lightly, forcing potential procreators to provide proof about their salary, height, occupation, and educational status. How romantic. Although, this ultra-practical approach may just work better than commercial dating apps which secretly benefit from our singleness and aren’t really “designed to be deleted” like they claim. Good luck to all the future parents in Japan who the government sets up. This world really is getting more dystopian by the day.  

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