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Volume 483

R.I.P. The internet is dead, phones are dull again, but if you want a pair of shoes made of food then you’re in the right place. Join us at the pub for this week’s coolsh*t, just please leave your chalices with us this time.

Eat My Shoe.

What are those, you ask? Hellman’s is stepping up their game with new consumption-conscious kicks.  Hellman’s new designer shoe collaboration is made from food waste. Luckily, they don’t have mayonnaise in them, although their colour is suspiciously mayonnaise-y.  Arguably a leather shoe is also made from food waste if you count animals as food. Alas. This collaboration raises some interesting questions about sustainability and over consumption. The average Canadian household tosses out a $1,352 worth of groceries every year, while a staggering 52% of all food ends up wasted or lost. Food for thought?

If you’re lucky enough to be Canadian and would like to strut down the street with a pair of mayo creps only a mother could love, then you’re in luck. Hellman’s are offering these badboys up in a prize draw, with each entry resulting in a donation equivalent to 10 meals to food waste charity Second Harvest, on top of a base donation of $25,000. Good luck! May the best mayo muncher win.

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W-W-W-Watch This Space.

Samsung didn’t stutter with this one… or rather they did. Their new Ai watch app assists with speech impediments for the 100 million people worldwide who suffer from speech disorders. Coming to a wrist near you, the app named IMPULSE enhances speech fluency by generating rhythmic beats for users to follow. The Algorithm analyses your speech and creates patterns to help guide speech.

This is the first time these rhythmic vibrations have been made portable, from the therapy room to your arm. This gives people the confidence to speak fluently and is changing lives one beat at a time.

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Second Chance Saloon.

Did you know one in three people in America have a criminal record? America also has 1% of their entire population behind bars, which is the largest of any country, so in the land of the free they have the least amount of free people…. right.  Sounds like freedumb to me.

But here’s the kicker: even after paying their debt to society, folk with criminal records often find themselves hitting a brick wall when it comes to snagging a job, buying a house, or even casting a vote. Why? Well, blame it on the lack of clean slate legislation in 38 states – laws that would wipe the slate clean for ex-offenders once they’ve served their time.

Who can provide relief for these poor people? A non-profit organisation? A think-tank? A charity? How about investment bank tycoons over at JP Morgan….

These unlikely knights in shining armour have rolled up their crispy white sleeves and unleashed a whirlwind of goodwill, crafting 38 statues out of real expungement documents. It’s a monument to the labyrinthine legal hoops one must jump through to clear their name. Each time a state passes Clean Slate legislation a statue will be removed. Plus, they’ve pledged to make 10% of their new hires people with a past brush with the law. Talk about turning over a new leaf!

Hard to say where JP’s new ethical surge has come from. Am I suspicious? Probably yes… but hey, good on them for stepping up… I think.

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Stealer Artois.

Stella’s on to you, and they know exactly where their missing chalices are hiding – whether it’s nestled in the depths of your dishwasher, tucked away in the back of your cupboard, or conveniently stashed in your jacket pocket as you make a swift exit from the pub. But don’t worry, fortunately Stella’s got a sense of humour about it. They might know your sneaky ways, but they’re willing to turn a blind eye… for now.

The ads acknowledge the undeniable truth: swiping a chalice is a bit naughty, but who can resist? And you can bet the pubs are in on the joke too – they’ll be bracing themselves for a surge in pilfering now that Stella’s given it the official thumbs-up. Cheers to that.

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Ring Ring! Heineken and Bodega are calling from their new boring phone. The ultimate antidote to your Zillennial dopamine addiction. Instead of your eyes being glued to your screen, go out and have a nice cold pint of Heineken with your mates. What’s the best way to beat an addiction? Switch it for another one! With no touch screen, no maps, and definitely no social media, this phone encourages you to disconnect from the digital world and reconnect with the real one.

Can’t get your hands on one? Well, with the looming TikTok ban in the states your normal phones are about to get a lot more boring anyway.

We know how crazy youngsters go for all things Y2K, so this phone resembling the Nokia 2660 will give you that sweet nostalgic kick. Capture pixelated memories with its front camera and hang up on someone with a satisfying snap.

Heineken know that deep down what we all truly long for is to return to simpler times. Times when the world moved at a gentler pace and conversations were held face-to-face. Let this phone be your time machine back to better days.

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Humans x Bots

Byte the Dust.

Many bots are lurking in the dark pixilated corridors of the internet, weaving a tangled web of deception. Whispers of the “Dead Internet” conspiracy began on YouTube a few years ago with claims that Artificial Intelligence controls the internet. The line between fact and fantasy are now blurring with Imperva’s new “Bad Bot Report” that proves there are now equally as many bots to humans trolling the web.

‘X’ has become besieged by waves of bot-generated filth commenting unrelated nonsense and pornographic content.  Some countries are more affected than others, like Ireland where 71% of internet traffic is automated. And the forecast? Spooky… with Europol predicting that 90% of online content will be synthetic by 2026.

Some aren’t helping the problem, with Instagram testing a program that would allow influencers to create AI chatbot versions of themselves to passively engage with users.

What a strange world we live in where the real and fabricated dance a mysterious tango. And as for the bots… they’re laughing all the way to the virtual bank.

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