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Volume 463

This week we’re bringing you ghosts of coolsh*t past, present and future. We’ve got North London nostalgia, a newly-anointed worthy wordy winner, and a generational upcoming release that’ll leave you feeling like you need a shot of penicillin. Plus the rare opportunity to take in the smell of fall this winter. No pumpkin spice allowed.

The Florida Man Cometh.

At long last, it’s finally here. Sort of. Grand Theft Auto VI. Pinch me. Ouch, not there. When GTA V came out I was only allowed to purchase it if I brought a parent with me. Now, I can walk up to the CeX counter with my head held high and be greeted by the sweaty salesman setting his can of Monster Energy to the side and saying, “Will that be cash or card, sir?”.

A full decade after the release of GTA V, Rockstar dropped the first trailer for GTA VI this week. But with the previous game being so universally adored, how could they one-up it? By setting the new game in Florida, of course. Home of the lunatic. Ron DeSantis and his Cuban heels approve this message.

This will also be the first game in the GTA series that features a female protagonist, so now you can feel like an unimpeachable paragon of societal progress while you rob civilians at gunpoint and run over prostitutes. What a time to be alive.

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Taking the Rizz.

We’ve accidentally made it a bit of a tradition around this time of year to have a look at the Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year – mainly because the winner is almost always an abomination. If memory serves I’m fairly sure last year’s champion was ‘Goblin Mode’, which refers to “a type of behaviour which is unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy”. How cheerful. And that shouldn’t even be eligible on account of being two words. If we’re not going to play by the rules then let’s not bother playing at all.

Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Voting lines have closed. Please do not phone as your vote will not be counted and you may still be charged. The 2023 Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year is… ‘Rizz’.

For the uninitiated, rizz derives from ‘charisma’ and is defined as “style, charm or attractiveness, or one’s ability to attract a romantic or sexual partner”. The opposite of goblin mode, basically. This is like going from Paul Potts to George Sampson. But still, many congratulations to rizz. All the more impressive considering it beat out the likes of ‘Swiftie’, ‘beige flag’ and ‘situationship’. One laments. Shakespeare is rolling in his grave (or graves, if you buy the conspiracy theory).

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The Wright Stuff.

On behalf of football fans everywhere I’d like to request that Arsenal just park it and stop dropping such phenomenal gear. It’s getting annoying now. I want to hate this but I just can’t bring myself to. I know it’s wrong… but it feels so Wright.

Gunners legend Ian Wright has partnered with adidas to release a clothing capsule celebrating some of his most iconic moments and the personal lore and mythology that has come to surround the man known as ‘Wrighty’, from the building site beginnings to the gold tooth to the famous celebration.

Saying that, I’m not sure whose idea it was to place a picture of David Seaman and his porno moustache smack-bang in the middle of the jacket. David Seaman’s, probably. I wouldn’t argue with him. Bloke’s got crazy eyes. And all goalkeepers are a bit weird. It’s one of the job requirements.

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Falling For You.

There are few experiences more exhilarating than unwillingly succumbing to gravity’s pull and being forcibly reunited with our primordial ancestral mother, Gaia. Or as you philistines might put it, tripping and falling over. If only there were a way to bottle up such a rush. Well, now there is.

Australian brand Ramp Tramp Tramp Stamp have released a new fragrance that captures the panoply of emotions you experience when you trip and fall. From the very first spritz you are invited on an olfactory adventure that takes you from the initial moment of panic, to the futile attempt to rectify one’s error, to letting go and accepting one’s fate, before finally reaching the nadir/apotheosis (depending on your perspective) and seizing the opportunity for quiet introspection that laying on the pavement presents. As Terrence McKenna once said, “This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it to be a feather bed.”

Yes, you may have fallen. But you’re alive. Be grateful for the pain. Have a cold bath. Go out in the rain without an umbrella. Eat a vindaloo. To live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering. Tell your DPD driver you love them. Live, goddamnit, LIVE.

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Sole Mates.

This one’s for all my backwards runners out there. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Does wonders for shin splints and you get used to the weird looks and people filming as you hurtle down the high street in reverse. Although isn’t it queer how we always talk about the future being in front of us? Really the only thing we can see is our past, so surely that must be in front of us and our future behind. So, technically, in a way, we’re all traveling through life backwards. And two backwardses make a forwards. Conclusion: running backwards isn’t weird.

But returning to more important matters and the reason we’re all here, this week Nike have been peeling back the layers on the beautiful onion that is the Alphafly 3, their most innovative super shoe yet and probably the most hotly-anticipated running shoe to ever exist.

We won’t bore you with all the details that the nominatively-determined Bret Schoolmeester edified the world upon, but the TLDR of it is that this shoe is full of a ton of mad tech that will 100% make you run a sub-2-hour marathon. Probably.

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I’m Shovelin’ It.

This Christmas give yourself the gift of clogged arteries and a severely unsettled gut microbiome. Tempted? Thought so. Just don’t tell Huberman. And we haven’t even mentioned the free toy yet. The deal just gets sweeter, which is really saying something considering how much processed sugar is in this garbage.

Thanks to Kerwin Frost, the McDonalds Adult Happy Meal is back and it’s back with a vengeance. Frost has designed six unique “McNugget Buddy” characters to accompany a drink, fries and a choice of 10-piece McNuggets or Big Mac inside a super-sized cardboard box, allowing you to pretend it’s still 2005 and everything is ok.

If you’re even remotely interested in maintaining the integrity of your internal flora, this might not seem like a big deal. But when you consider that the toys from McDonalds’ previous adult Happy Meals ended up being auctioned on eBay for six figures, it all suddenly makes an awful lot more sense. Tell your mother you shan’t be requiring any of her dry turkey this Christmas. She can indeed stuff it.

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The Next Agenda: Learn To Time Travel

Is your brand guilty of going all in on a single cohort?

With culture, consumption and influence creating a multiverse of cross-gen interconnectivity, targeting a single demographic risks relegating your brand to the history books.

In Volume II of The Next Agenda, we debunk generationalism and decode the connection points that reach across the divide.

Join us as we explore ways to unlock the consumers you’re leaving behind.

Soho Works Dean Street Tuesday 23rd January. 8:30-10:00am

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