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Volume 458

Who’s gonna carry the boats? This week’s coolsh*t is bringing you elixirs for eternal optimisation, a Mancunian mash-up, and the Kardashian family inching one step closer to global hegemony. Plus the highly-anticipated return of the coolsh*t podcast, talking about everyone’s favourite topic…

Ball Hogs.

If you’re anything like me then you probably spend most of your day pondering NBA players’ underpants. No? Oh, me neither. It was a joke, obviously. No you’re acting weird.

Kim Kardashian announced this week that SKIMS will henceforth be the Official Underwear Partner of the NBA. We’re not yet entirely sure what such a partnership will entail, but we can be absolutely certain that there will be a shit load of cash involved. And we for one think that’s cause for celebration.

Maybe they’re harvesting adrenochrome, maybe they’re lizard people, maybe Kris Jenner is the head of The Illuminati, but the Kardashians simply do not miss. Their business acumen is genuinely incredibly impressive when you consider where all this started. I unironically think Kim Kardashian should consider running for Governor of California. The current one can’t even play basketball without crushing and subsequently spanking a Chinese child. Hope he enjoyed his trip. The State of California is in decline, and it needs a Kardashian at the helm to steady the ship. So either it’s Kim or Caitlin running on a platform of country club etiquette and the legalisation of running people over.

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1984 is apparently the book that the most people lie about having read. Yet that doesn’t prevent many of those people from semi-regularly slipping ‘Orwellian’ into conversation when parroting a point of view repackaged from a podcast. Personally I like to chuck a misused ‘Kafkaesque’ in there too. Don’t think I won’t.

Now, there’s a new edition of 1984 that you can pretend to read. This week David Shrigley unveiled his latest venture, ‘Pulped Fiction’. The British visual artist has crafted a limited edition run of 1250 copies of Orwell’s masterpiece, using the pulped remnants of over 6000 discarded copies of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code.

At least now some good can come from The Da Vinci Code. Again, never read it. Just repeating stuff I’ve heard other people repeat. You don’t appreciate the man hours that go into ensuring you’re never forced to hold even one solitary independently formed opinion.

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Newer Order.

adidas x Saville conjures up some unfortunate connotations. But now adi are looking to redefine that combo… with a northern bloke in a tracksuit standing behind a record player. Much better. At least they didn’t put him in a pair of Predators.

Manchester United launched their new capsule with adidas and Peter Saville this week. The collaboration, featuring new work by the designer and Factory Records co-founder, includes an exclusive clothing capsule and a vinyl featuring an Old Trafford soundscape from 1993 on one side and an exclusive piece by John Cooper Clarke on the other in a New Order-inspired celebration of the city. Even if Dr. Clarke is from Salford (AKA Chickentown).

It’s nice to see United getting a result for once. I’m sure this’ll take Big Terry and the Whythenshawe Ultras’ minds off the 3-0 drubbing at home to City over the weekend.

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The sales pitch for this new phone must have been tough. “It’s like an iPhone, except it can’t do anything” “Alright, but does it at least have a good camera?” “It doesn’t even have a camera, actually” “But then how will you upload photos to Instagram?” “That’s the best part, it doesn’t let you go on Instagram” “Why’s that good?” “Dunno, give us $250”.

We are helplessly addicted to our phones. And really ‘phone’ is a misnomer by this point. What you have in your pocket is a supercomputer offering instant access to endless information. Even if you just use it to watch Andrew Tate TikToks. Don’t pretend your algorithm’s never served you one. That’s always a moment that calls for a bit of quiet soul-searching.

It’s obvious we can’t rely on antiquated concepts such as free will and self-control to deal with our phone addictions. If we have any hope of returning to our prelapsarian pre-phone paradise, we need the temptation removed entirely. Fortunately Kendrick Lamar’s creative agency pgLang is releasing an updated version of their minimalist Light II phone, which is “designed to be used as little as possible”, lacking email, an internet browser, and the ability to add any social media apps.⁠ It’s a burner phone for hipsters, basically. The Nokia 3310 walked so the Light II may run.

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Get Ripped Quick Schemes..

It’s hard not to be seduced by the bro science health advice trotted out by fitness influencers who make up for their lack of medical degrees by being absolutely hench. And that’s coming from someone who now drinks salt water, runs backwards while staring into the sun, and takes cold baths to reduce the inflammation from all the backwards running, all because some bloke on the internet said it might be a good idea for reasons I can’t remember – so I’d like to consider myself somewhat of an expert in this area. I’m about one podcast away from taping my mouth shut like Hannibal Lecter while I sleep. Erling Haaland does it, you know.

The main issue with any of the above examples of supposedly longevity-enhancing rituals is that they are all pretty unpleasant and quite possibly produce absolutely no real benefits. But you can lob out your whey protein, ashwagandha, and emergency dose of Ozempic, because now there’s one supplement to rule them all.

BioTrust’s Ageless Muscle drink promises to keep you toned while you do… nothing. Sound too good to be true? Funny, that. But According to BioTrust it’s all in the formula, which combines four nutrients “proven” to build and maintain muscle mass with minimal effort.

Do we believe any of this? Of course not. Will we be buying it anyway? By the truck load. And we included it because all this information came from a VICE article and it’s funny to see that they’ve now stooped to flogging snake oil in what would appear to be an undeclared brand deal. That bankruptcy over the summer has really left its mark.

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Lil Dystopian.

Critics accused the SAG-AFTRA actors of being over-dramatic when they went on strike partly due to the supposed existential threat of AI. Well, it turns out they may have had a point. And to be fair, acting is probably one of the few occupations in which being a bit dramatic isn’t such a bad thing.

Lil Miquela is a digital creator with 2.7 million Instagram followers. Nothing out of the ordinary so far. She’s also the star of BMW’s campaign for its first all-electric and highly digital iX2. Again, checks out. But she doesn’t exist. Ah, there it is. Lil Miquela is a virtual influencer. And that’s very different from someone who has 3,000 followers and claims that they’re “virtually an influencer”.

Directed by the critically acclaimed Stefanie Soho (who we are lead to believe does exist), the ad itself is steeped in real artificial emotion and feels more like a film trailer than an ad. So, if we just put the moral concerns to one side for a moment and judge the work purely on its own merit then I think we can all come together in celebrating the gradual replacement of humanity, one pixel at a time.

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The Coolsh*t Podcast - Episode 62.

How many global leaders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Listen to the Podcast