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Volume 452

You’re a wizard, Barry. This week’s coolsh*t is bringing you cinematographic sorcery, faux fish, and a partnership that may make you dyslexic. Plus the official launch of The Next Agenda. And if all that wasn’t enough, we’ve also got a luxury special episode of the coolsh*t podcast. Spoilt rotten…

The Next Agenda: Next Gen on Luxury.

Here it is. The moment you’ve all been waiting for… Right? The latest edition of The Next Agenda is now live and available for your reading pleasure.  

Do luxury brands want Gen Z consumers? Yes. Or at least they think they do. Do luxury brands want all kinds of Gen Z consumers? Maybe… But if they want to stay culturally relevant, they may need them.   

We, along with SELFHOOD and a group of experts in the sector, have decoded what may prove to be the most pro-luxury youth mindset to date.  

So go get on it. We won’t even be annoyed if you go read it now and come back to coolsh*t later. And here’s a video to whet your appetite.  

Read The Next Agenda

Daffodil or No Daffodil.

This was an unexpected coupling. La Liga have partnered with… drumroll, please… Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch FC. It’s at times like these one finds oneself overflowing with immense gratitude for the wonder that is copying and pasting.  

You might be wondering why the top Spanish football league has decided to partner with a team playing in the fifth tier of the Welsh domestic system. The answer? God knows. For a laugh, presumably. And, according to La Liga themselves, to bring together “the two biggest names in football”.  

Get it? Well clever, init. But I for one have the utmost admiration for anyone willing to go through all the hassle of committing to a long-term business partnership seemingly just for the sake of a slightly lame play on words.  

Plus the move has garnered a good chunk of positive PR for La Liga, who as part of the deal have also committed funds to improving the local area in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch – which, to be fair, I imagine is a dump, so a new swing-set for little Bryn probably wouldn’t go amiss. I bet the next President of the Spanish FA can’t wait to plant a nice big sloppy kiss on whoever came up with this bright idea.  

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Lights, Camera, Expelliarmus.

If Harry Potter taught us anything, it’s that we must not take black magic lightly. That, and you should never let a lack of nose stand between you and your dreams of global hegemony. And that it doesn’t matter how many globally-adored books you write, you will still be ostracised for uttering any culturally-unfashionable, heterodox opinions. JK. Except we’re not kidding.  

But returning to that first lesson: there’s a new Blackmagic about. Except this one won’t help you put a piece of your soul into a teacup, or whatever. It will however help you shoot professional quality videos with your iPhone, which is arguably even more useful.  

The app offers manual controls such as shutter speed, ISO, white balance and tint and allows users to easily switch between different lenses, frame-per-second options, stabilization levels, and focus adjustments. You can also find recording parameters, histogram, focus peaking, levels, and more in the interface.  

Being what’s known in the trade as a ‘moron’, I have no idea what any of that previous paragraph means. But the absolute neeks in the creative department who are into this shit assure me that it’s a big deal. And the best bit… it’s completely free. That Instagram story of yours is about to get an awful lot more professional. Your 278 followers will be ever so glad.  

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What does a GOAT sound like? Well, that depends on what you’re doing to it – but that’s a discussion for another time.  

An interview with one particular GOAT by the name of Lionel Messi was doing the rounds this week, leaving viewers everywhere puzzled. For one, Messi is famously fairly taciturn at the best of times. For two, when he does give an interview, it’s always in Spanish. And yet here he is before our very eyes and ear balls loquaciously trotting out all your classic meaningless football platitudes about relishing the challenge and taking each game as it comes… in perfect English. Que? 

But it turns out the video is as fraudulent as Messi’s tax returns, having been translated in real-time using AI. Now no footballer will ever have to go through the utterly unreasonable ordeal of learning a foreign language ever again. But I do hope this doesn’t rob us of gems like Joey Barton’s faux French accent. 

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Ale Conditioning.

There’s nothing quite like an ice-cold beer on a hot day to offer some much-needed palliation from life’s perpetual state of ennui. Or just to cool you down a bit. Depends how much Dostoyevsky you’ve been reading. But simply drinking a beer to cool off is so old-fashioned. Now, you can be enveloped by it.  

Designed by Tiger Beer and Izzy Du, the ‘world’s first summer puffer jacket’ is able to lower body temperature by up to five degrees Celsius using strategically-placed cold beer cans and a network of tubes pumping liquid around the wearer’s body to make contact with key points where the arteries are closest to the skin.  

This is just the type of technological innovation we can get behind. Even if they did slightly nick the design idea off an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Plus it’ll come in handy for those social events when you probably shouldn’t be drinking but would much prefer to. Never again shall you have to endure a Christening sober. Amen. 

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Fishy Business.

You have to be very careful not to offend some vegans. You’re constantly walking on eggshells. And that really annoys them. But the multi-decade-long crusade against meat is finally starting to pay dividends, with more brands now offering plant-based alternatives, often in the name of ‘saving the planet’. Even if saving the planet means decimating natural habitats through monocrop agriculture.  

Having been palpitating at a Wagnerian pitch for the last few years, the rise of the vegan may now be reaching its apogee, as those lucky carnitine-depleted herbivores can sink their teeth into the ersatz flesh of a nice 3D-printed fillet of salmon.  

Revo Foods’ ‘THE FILET’ is made from fungi and contains Omega-3, all 9 essential amino acids, and Vitamins A, B2, B3, B6, B12, and D2. A bit like… salmon. But as with any other meat replacement, the proof of the pudding will be in the eating. And if this fungi fish is anything like seitan, something that tastes like it was excreted by its hell-dwelling homophone, then we oughtn’t hold our breath. Unless someone is trying to feed it to you, in which case you would be perfectly within your rights to staple your lips together.  

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The Coolsh*t Podcast - Episode 59: The Luxury Special.

We’re talking luxury for the launch of The Next Agenda, starting out with philanthropic fashion and a drink made with both old French women and rappers in mind.

Listen to the Podcast