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Volume 398

A lot happened over the long weekend, so this week’s coolsh*t is chocked full of culture. We’ve got carnival carnage, annual granule grappling, and the immortalisation of some icons of quintessentially British high-brow humour.

Gravy Bouts.

Notting Hill Carnival wasn’t the only important cultural event that happened this past weekend. The World Gravy Wrestling Championships returned after a two-year Covid-induced hiatus. For fear of insulting your intelligence, I’ll spare you the explanation of exactly what the competition consists of. Actually, that’s a poor choice of words, as there was a small controversy over the consistency of the gravy at this year’s event. Competitors complained the gravy was too thin, so the organisers added granules, but then the competitors said it was too thick, so the organisers added more water, and this went on and on for quite some time. It was a viscous cycle. Sorry, I know that wasn’t worth it. But I bet the loser felt like a laughing stock.

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Milking It.

‘Got Milk?’ is one of the most iconic and memorable advertising campaigns of all time. It’s also a testament to the value of being economical with one’s copywriting. Because, as much as I may find this distressing and unfair, you don’t get paid per word. Funnily enough, that was how L. Ron Hubbard was paid and is largely the reason why he is still to this day the most prolific writer in history. You’d imagine it might undermine one’s faith in Mr. Hubbard’s crackpot religion once you found out he was literally just shitting out words for extra pennies. Anyway, the reputation of the sweet, white, cow nectar is more under threat now than perhaps ever before. You can even get milk out of a potato these days, for crying out loud. The California Milk Processor Board (CMPB) have responded by encouraging people to ‘Get Real’ in their latest ad. And they’ve followed that age-old axiom: ‘An argument sung is an argument won’. Although I’ll eat my hat if this bloke singing doesn’t chug almond piss-water.

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If you’re anything like me, you’ll find it impossible to read the word ‘cosmic’ in any voice other than Rodney Trotter’s. But it turns out the cosmos may indeed have a voice that holds very little resemblance to that of Nicholas Lyndhurst. The misconception that there’s no sound in space originates from the fact that most space is a vacuum, making it impossible for sound waves to travel. However, a particular galaxy cluster has so much gas that NASA have been able to pick up the sound of a black hole. And that sound is positively chilling. It may indeed be true that nobody can hear you scream in space, but only because your cries will be drowned out by those of black holes. Or perhaps these are just the horrified noises of people first learning about Wernher Von Braun, Operation Paperclip, and NASA’s slightly questionable origin story…

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Icons Immortalised.

Remember those lads who decided to get a picture before a night out a few years back and suddenly became the most famous people in the country for a couple weeks? Well, they’re still rinsing that picture. In fact, a collection of statues in their likeness has just been unveiled in Birmingham city centre to commemorate that mementous day (intentionally misspelt). The statues were created by an artist named Will Douglas – which coincidentally is the name of a photographer who we work with a lot, so presumably he’s been moonlighting as a sculptor. And the resemblance is… well, actually, the resemblance is pretty non-existent. The artist claimed he was inspired by that notoriously nightmarish version of Cristiano Ronaldo’s visage that was unveiled at Madeira airport a few years ago. So, all in all, not the most flattering portrayal, but it feels somewhat appropriate that the lasting embodiment of a British, all too British meme should be just a little bit pony.

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Super Sub.

3D billboards are a dime a dozen now. Nike, Balenciaga and Epic Games have been responsible for some particularly impressive executions, but naturally the novelty has just slightly worn off by this point. However, there’s one brand who are leading the zeitgeist in terms of billboard innovation: Subway. Because there’s nothing kids love more than Subway. You may be able to detect a pinch of cynicism, but Subway have just pulled off a world first: a fully interactive 3D billboard. Positioned outside Westfield in Stratford, the billboard allows shoppers to take a break from shouting at their children to build their ultimate sub on the big screen. That creation would then be brought to life as Subway ambassadors hidden in the crowd would come and delivery the on-screen sub to the creator in the real world. That could really bite you in the bottom if you decided to take the piss and build a meatball x minced crab x mayo x marinara monstrosity and were then forced to eat it.

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Had a Shocker.

We wouldn’t often blow our own trumpet, but this relates to carnival, an event that necessitates some degree of actual trumpet blowing, so if there’s ever going to be an appropriate time to do so, it’s probably now. Saying that, we’ll keep this short and sweet for fear of sounding as if we’re just saying, ‘look at this cool thing what we done’. Fortunately, though, Mixtape Madness said that for us. We put on G-SHOCK’s ‘Yard Party’ at Notting Hill Carnival over the weekend, powered by Wave Mag X NOBO and featuring Kenny Allstar, Sneakbo, Keyrah, Izzy Bossy, and enough jerk chicken and rum punch to sink a small battleship. More content from the event to follow, keep an eye out…

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