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Volume 373

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s the free kick Roberto Carlos just launched into a beer garden. This week’s coolsh*t features the return of a legend, some fast-food facades, and a very hairy situation. Plus, the hotly anticipated return of the coolsh*t podcast. 2 weeks and counting.

Sunday League Samba.

Cast your mind back a few weeks; we mentioned that one Sunday league team would have the chance to sign legendary Brazilian left back Roberto Carlos for a fiver, which, these days, wouldn’t even get you a pint in a lot of the pubs that these teams represent. The competition was run by eBay, who wanted to show that their marketplace isn’t just for buying second-hand t-shirts, it can also be for buying a bald bloke with a left foot like a traction engine. This weekend, Roberto made his return to the game, pulling on the famous maroon shirt of Shropshire-based Bull in the Barne. He even bagged a peno – admittedly after shanking a free kick out for a throw, but he’s 48 now, give him a break. Sadly, Barne lost 4-3. But they lived up to the age-old motto of any self-respecting Sunday league team, ‘win or lose, we’re on the booze’, and went to the local with their temporary teammate – plus Chris Kamara, who wasn’t invited but just turned up with an unplugged mic – to hammer some John Smith’s and Facetime Sergio Ramos. Legendary stuff. Although Roberto did get a bottle of Bud, which is absolutely criminal.

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Potty Pottery.

I have mixed feelings about including any Kanye content in coolsh*t at the minute. On the one hand, we are witnessing a man losing his marbles in front of the entire world. Yet on the other hand, he isn’t half doing some funny shit while he’s losing those marbles. And he’s channelling his madness into some creative, albeit slightly bizarre, avenues. Case in point: the music video for The Game’s new song, ‘Easy’. From the jump, it’s slightly funny that Kanye West has used Claymation to make a music video – I’d like to think he was inspired by Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Granted, this is The Game’s video, so Kanye may not have even had any creative control over it. You’d be forgiven for thinking that until you see the video itself, because the core narrative revolves around Kanye burying his ex-wife’s new boyfriend in the desert. Yikes. Definitely a bit mental. But it’s probably all in good fun, right? However, in spite of the insanity, people are saying that Kanye is producing his best work since the early 2010s. All that gospel shit was getting a bit old, to be fair…

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Start 'Em Young.

When I was in school, kids got “rich” by surreptitiously selling Lucozades and KitKats during lunchtime. Or at least they would until they’d get shutdown by the feds – otherwise known as Mr O’Connor, the overly officious nose-holes that he was. And when we say “rich”, that would typically equate to a few extra pound coins for a portion of chips on a Friday afternoon. Things are a little different now – kids are coding. Nerds. What ever happened to going around on BMXs setting bins on fire and throwing rocks at pigeons? Benyamin Ahmed, a 12-year-old from West London, has built a crypto empire worth over £3 million after learning to code when he was just 5. Bet his dad’s a laugh. Pretty sure I wasn’t fully toilet-trained at that age. Benyamin sells pixelated pictures of whales as NFTs, some of which sell for 20 grand. The simulation has definitely gone a bit weird…

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Telling Whoppers.

Vegans. They’re everywhere. These plant-loving peoples are no longer forced to seek out restaurants run by people who have beads as doors in order to satiate their appetites for greenery. Now, they can even go to Burger King. Sounds vaguely oxymoronic, but I have it on good authority that the BK Vegan Whopper is outstanding. Granted, vegans also pretend to enjoy seitan – a bland orange paste that tastes as if it were the product of its hell-dwelling homonym – so their credibility has been somewhat undermined. The main claim of the proponents of the vegan Whopper, though, is that you cannot tell that it doesn’t contain meat. That was the logic behind Burger King’s latest campaign, featuring some particularly meaty-looking vegetables: a red pepper, a beetroot and a radicchio. To be honest, I don’t care how close you hold a beetroot to my face, you’re gonna have a tough time convincing me that it’s part of a cow. Saying that, this campaign does further add to the legend around the now famous plant-based whopper and will surely convince some committed carnivores to at least give it a go. Probably. Maybe not. Still a nice campaign, though.

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Spirit of the Boos.

As an embittered blue nose currently reeling from a 5-0 defeat, I felt compelled to include this. Never in the past has there been a coolsh*t story to which I was able to relate more – pretty sure I was booing my tele at one point Monday night. Paddy Power firmed up their position at the pinnacle of football piss-taking with their latest release, giving us a glimpse behind the scenes of the Everton Fan Support Group, which is a safe place for Everton fans to get together, let out their boos, and talk about how much they hate that pitiful excuse for a football club. It really struck a chord, because I often assure hubristic Liverpool fans that, however much they think they dislike Everton, that vague feeling of ill-will pales into insignificance compared to the deep, dark despair in the heart of every Evertonian. Can’t wait to play Rotherham next season.

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A Close Shave.

I feel I ought to begin this by explaining that I put up some resistance to including this story, for no reason other than it just being a bit grim. But the last thing I’d want to be is a pearl-clutching prude when confronted with what is, I’m assured, a good idea and an even better cause. Posting pubes to save the planet. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. A new campaign by personal care brand Eos is seeking to help its customers understand that their hair waste can be used as a renewable solution to curb soil erosion. Eos will send those who sign up to the initiative a free “pube collection pouch” with a pre-labelled return envelope addressed to its “Pube Park” at the San Francisco HQ of MOT, a renewable resource non-profit that specializes in repurposing discarded hair. Not sure I’d let my kids play in that park. And I don’t even have kids, so that shows just how unsure I really am. However, ickiness aside – to use a medical term – it’s for a good purpose and Eos will also be matching every pube donation with a monetary donation to MOT of up to $15,000. Fair play. Word to the wise, though: if you are planning on posting your pubes, be sure to double check the address. Wouldn’t want to get the envelopes mixed up and send a family member a very confusing birthday card.

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The Coolsh*t Podcast - Ep. 2.

Still haven’t had your full coolsh*t fix? Listen to the podcast to hear the (arguably slightly dodgy on the odd occasion) rationale behind what did and didn’t make it in this week.

Listen to the Podcast