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Volume 351

We don’t want to add fuel to the fire, so this week’s coolsh*t has a solution to make your petrol problems a thing of the past. We’re also bringing you some rapper ragù and a wheeler-dealer rodent who can make you some money.

Got Any Petrol?

The electric vehicle path of conversation is fairly well-trodden by this point. However, in a week where it feels as if petrol station visitors are about 1 more frightening headline away from ripping each other limb from limb, it would have been inappropriate not to at least mention it. Amidst the chaos, there has been one smug group silently humming about the roads fret-free: Tesla owners. Now, a new EV maker have arrived to rival Mr. Musk, and they’ve chosen a good week to announce their latest innovation. Canoo have just unveiled this beast, which is designed to bridge the gap between luxury and functionality. The car will come in four different configurations: Base, Premium, Adventure and Delivery. The first 2 are designed to create the perfect commuter car, featuring 5 to 7-seat layouts, a 250-mile range, a panoramic glass roof, and quick charging to up to 80% in just 28 minutes. The other 2 are slightly more out there, with ‘Delivery’ forcing you to work a shift as an Uber Eats driver and ‘Adventure’ taking you out to the woods and leaving you there. They’re still working out some of the kinks, I guess.

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Knees Weak, Arms Are Heavy.

It’s hard to know what to make of it when you see a potential GOAT – arguably now slightly washed-up with a weird beard – rapper turning a two-decade-old line into a way to make a bit of cash. However, based off of a sense of nostalgia and a healthy respect for business acumen, I’m going to say this is alright. Eminem wanted to immortalise one of his most iconic lines about vomiting his mother’s pasta on his sweater, so decided to open up a restaurant called Mom’s Spaghetti. Him and his team released this ad to promote the restaurant – although it does appear from the video that the so-called ‘Mom’ in the kitchen is actually an enormous bloke with a beard. And judging by the character Eminem played in 8-Mile that this is based upon, it’ll probably just end up being some soggy noodles and ketchup. But who knows? I’m pretty sure Colonel Sanders was a rapper before he started messing about with chicken.

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Spinning the Wheel.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, not all successful market traders live in fancy penthouse apartments, sipping on Dom Perignon whilst relaxing in a bath of money. Some of them live in a 2x2ft box and run on a tiny wheel all day. I’m referring to Mr. Goxx, the Crypto trading hamster who is currently outdealing the S&P 500 and Warren Buffet. On a typical working day, Mr. Goxx will enjoy a leisurely morning before entering his “Goxx Box” — a separate office in his home housing an “intention wheel” wired to about 30 different cryptocurrencies. That’s a hell of a WFH set up. After intense deliberation and soul-searching, Mr. Goxx will then enter one of the two “decision tunnels” to determine whether to buy or sell a certain trade. And presently his portfolio is up a whopping 20% in just a few months. I imagine many of us have often suspected that the guy at the pub claiming to be a crypto expert was full of it, and this may very well confirm that suspicion. Or it means this hamster is a financial genius. It’s hard to say which is more likely. If only I had a decision tunnel to help me make my mind up.

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Robo Jeeves.

Amazon unveiled a new fleet of products this week, but there was one that really caught the eye. Mainly because he’s a slightly terrifying, borderline-dystopian, robot butler – and those do tend to stand out a little. Human progress is a funny old thing; it seems that the more advanced we get, the more we discover that what we truly desire is to be stationed in a comfortable chair and plied with an endless supply of takeaways and beer. Astro represents an enormous step forward in actualising that ‘Utopia’. In some senses it’s just an Alexa on wheels, but in other more Orwellian senses, it is a whole lot more than that. As well as the functions of AI that we’ve become accustomed to, Astro will also be able to memorize floor plans, recognise faces, and learn the habits of its cohabiting overlords. It’s even got a periscope arm with a camera to allow you to spy on your own home while you’re out and, according to the ad, catch some little shit stealing your silverware while he’s claiming to ‘return your dogs’, whatever that means. I don’t see any way this could possibly go wrong.

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Rocket Chips.

Normally the only way to see this many flying chips is to visit a rowdy kebab house at 3 in the morning, so this is a rare treat. Except these chips, rather than covering your smart new white shirt in burger sauce, might have a role to play in saving the planet. The ‘Microflier’ is a microchip the size of a grain of sand – making it the smallest ever human-made flying machine – and could be used to track airborne pathogens, monitor pollution, or collect data. It doesn’t use a motor or engine to fly, instead taking inspiration from nature and referencing a maple tree’s propeller seed, catching flight on the wind by spinning like a helicopter. This allows the chips to be dropped from great heights and descend with a slow velocity, ensuring dispersal over a broad area and increasing the amount of time interacting with the air to monitor pollution and airborne disease. What’s even more mental is that each chip can be equipped with ultra-miniaturized technology, including sensors, power sources, antennas for wireless communication and embedded memory to store data. You’d need to have incredibly dainty, dexterous fingers to be the engineer on that job.

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What a Track.

It wasn’t until this week that I discovered ‘Strava art’ was even a thing. As far as I’m concerned, merely completing a 5km run is in itself an achievement worthy of critical acclaim – but some lunatics have taken it a step further. One such head case is Pete Stokes, an Aussie cyclist who decided to hop on his bike and complete a 150km journey in order to recreate Nirvana’s Nevermind album cover in GPS form on the streets of Adelaide. As a tribute to the 30th anniversary of the album, the project took about 8 and a half hours to complete – and it’s a masterpiece. The baby does look decidedly more angry in the GPS version though, which is either an accident or a really remarkable attention to detail to reflect the current lawsuit taking place between the now-grown-up baby and Nirvana’s record label. You would be fuming with your mum once you realised your baby pictures had been shared with the whole world, to be fair to him.

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