What in Tarnation?

Way back in the good old days of 2019, streetwear brand MSCHF released their limited edition ‘Jesus Shoes’, which were Nike Air Max 97s that came with frankincense wool liners, a dangling crucifix, and a few drops of ‘Holy Water’ from the River Jordan in the soles. They were a tremendous success and sold out immediately. So what was the only logical next step? Satan shoes, obviously. In a collaboration with Lil Nas X, the rapper who was responsible for resurrecting Billy Ray Cyrus and his achy breaky heart a couple of years ago, the shoes come complete with a bronze pentagram, a bible verse, and a drop of actual human blood. And, for some reason, they haven’t gone down terribly well with some people. Least of all Nike, who have immediately made it crystal clear that they have no affiliation with MSCHF, Lil Nas X or the Dark Lord Lucifer. It did look like Lil Nas X had dropped the classic YouTube apology video, but in true Rick Rolling fashion it actually turned out to be a clip from his new music video, just at the point where he’s giving Satan a lap dance before murdering him. Oh good, that should help smooth things over.

Swine Shoe.

All these Satan trainers are a bit too controversial for my liking, so I thought I ought to offer some more crowd-pleasing sneakerhead news as a palette cleanser. So, what’s something that everyone can get on board with? Bacon. Well, unless you’re a vegan. Although I suspect even they secretly love it. But this might be a step too far for even your most ardent bacon fanatic, as Oscar Mayer have just released bacon-scented laces. And just to be clear for anyone who doesn’t know: Oscar Mayer are not some edgy conceptual fashion house, they’re an American food brand known for their hot dogs and cold cuts. With a hyper-realistic design and scented with actual Oscar Mayor Hardwood Smoked Bacon, they’ll be sure to add that extra little something to your new Satan shoes. Although if you have a dog, probably best to steer clear. That just seems like a trip to A&E with a chihuahua attached to your foot waiting to happen.

Don't Look Down.

A 140-metre-high bridge is always at least a bit scary. Now what if you were to make it out of glass? ‘Oh, and while you’re there, make it bend in a sort of weird helix shape… Because I said so, that’s why!’. The Ruyi bridge in the Zhejiang Province opened last year, but it’s gone viral this week. Mainly because people don’t believe it’s real – and you can kind of understand their scepticism. But it is indeed real and has welcomed more than 200,000 tourists since it opened. Not all at the same time – well, I assume not, but by the looks of it they’re fairly chilled when it comes to health and safety, so who knows? It very almost wasn’t built though, as initial plans were thought to be far-fetched. Which obviously they were and remain to be still, but I guess they just decided it would be a laugh so gave it a crack anyway. There is some thought behind the design though, as it’s meant to represent the jade ruyi – an object that symbolises good luck in China. Because who needs scrupulous civil engineering and rigorous safety checks when you’ve got good luck on your side?

Time Bandits.

NASA are about to launch a $10billion time machine. I’m your host, Alex Jones; welcome to Info Wars. No, not really – but it does sound like something a conspiracy nutjob would claim. Yet in spite of that, it’s actually true. Well, it’s a bit true at least. They’re actually launching a telescope that can see really far, but that’s not nearly clickbaity enough, so we’re just going to call it a time machine. To be fair, though, that isn’t actually too inaccurate a name for it, as the James Webb Telescope is by far the most powerful telescope in existence (100 times more so than the Hubble) and will be capable of peering deep into the history of the universe. About 13 billion years deep, to be exact. I know – I wasn’t expecting that either. By focussing on the infrared part of the spectrum, it’ll be able to resolve some of the previously unanswerable mysteries of the universe, like where we came from, whether life can exist on other planets, and why some people still listen to Coldplay. So it’s not quite a time-hopping DeLorean, but we’ll take it. For now.

You Come Here Often?

Now the country is beginning to open up, there will likely be plenty of people who have completely forgotten how to communicate with other humanoids face to face after the last year of hibernation. This may be a particularly pressing issue for all the singletons, who will need every help they can get while screaming from one socially-distanced table to another once beer gardens are open. But fear not, you lonely bunch – technology has got your back. Janelle Shane, a research scientist and author from Colorado, has taught AI how to flirt. Kind of. Get out your notepad, because it produced classics such as: “You have a lovely face. Can I put it on an air freshener? I want to keep your smell close to me always.” Bit Rain Man meets Patrick Bateman that one, but not bad – 7/10. Or if that doesn’t work, how about: “Hey, my name is John Smith. Will you sit on my breadbox while I cook or is there some kind of speed limit on that thing?”. Don’t like it, sounds crass – 2/10. Last but not least, my personal favourite and guaranteed to make you stand out from the crowd: “You look like Jesus if he were a butler in a Russian mansion.” Good heavens, I’m all aquiver – 10/10.

Unplugged.

While it may not be the best at coming up with pick-up lines, it can’t be denied that we’ve become incredibly reliant on technology. So after all this talk of time machines and robots, I thought it would be appropriate to finish this week’s coolsh*t with an opportunity to earn some easy wonga. All you have to do is give up technology for a day. Reviews.Org are offering $2400 to one lucky applicant who is able to survive a 24-hour digital detox. Really? That’s it? I knew we were addicted to our phones, but really?! This is the point we’re at? It’s like cheat meals – the fact that we’ve reached a point of decadence as a society that we have to physically restrain ourselves from eating ourselves to death is a bit mental. That sounded a tad more Unabomber than I intended – plus it gives no mention of the fact that I’m on my third chocolate hobnob of the day. But if you think you could conquer this arduous task, get your applications in pronto.