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Volume 310

The countdown to Christmas has officially begun. Behind door number 4 of your advent calendar, here’s some coolsh*t. This week, we’ve got facial theft, a NSFW marvel monologue, and a quick trip to CIA boot camp.


Are you in need of a bit of extra cash to buy your mum that ficus she so desperately wants for Christmas? Say no more. Just sell your face. Yeah, you heard me – now let’s have that face already. Don’t be frightened, this isn’t a Patrick Bateman coolsh*t takeover. But it is still pretty freaky. A Japanese mask shop is willing to offer people around $400 for the privilege of using their face to 3D-print an eerily-lifelike mask. And the results are positively terrifying. Ever wondered what a little girl would look like with a middle-aged man’s face? If you answered yes, firstly, the police have been notified and are already on their way to your house. But also, check out these mad pictures while you wait for them to arrive. In a year of masks, I think it’s fitting that one of the final coolsh*ts of the year should showcase what must surely take the cake as the master of masks. I reckon these would be much more effective than an N95 as well. Not because they’re scientifically-proven to block out more water molecules or anything – no, nothing like that. But because good luck getting somebody to sit next to you on the tube when you’re wearing someone else’s face.

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Eye Spy.

Fancy yourself as a spy, do ya? It’s time to put your skills to the test. The CIA are recruiting, and this year they’re ditching their usual high-fliers programme that plucks the best and brightest from America’s finest Ivy League schools. Instead, they’re tapping into the talent pool of people sitting around in their pants, eating a bag of Doritos, scrolling through Twitter. So now’s your time to shine. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to join the Church of Scientology – (Director: ‘Stick to the script, Tom!’) – your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to simply tell me what time it is in the picture above. A) 7am, B) 11am, or C) 3pm? Your time starts now. No cheating – but click the link below to go to the CIA’s official Twitter for the answer reveal. If you didn’t get it: tough luck, go back to your bag of Doritos. If you did: congratulations! You’ve made it through to a second interview. For your next test, you’ll be asked to get pissed on shaken martinis and chase a terrorist over the favela rooftops in Rio. Don’t forget your sun cream.

Reveal The Answer

Puff Daddy.

The Moncler puffer jacket is typically for 2 types of people: 1) The bloke who has more money than you; and 2) The bloke who wants you to know he’s got more money than you. Or the bloke leaned up against the wall in a nightclub smoking area, smouldering and waiting dutifully to either offer a girl a lighter or bash someone’s head in. Or just somebody who needs a nice winter jacket – but I like the first 3 examples more. But anyway, the point is it’s not hard to spot a Moncler puffer. But they’ve really gone above and beyond with this latest design. Introducing London designer Craig Green’s collab with the brand, which looks like a mix of Arsene Wenger’s famous sleeping bag jacket and a life-raft. So whack this on your list to Santa if you fancy hitting the town in the smartest coat-cum-sarcophagus that money can buy.

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Oh Not Another One?

What’s that? Another puffer jacket story? Oh, shut up. And I know I put Palace in coolsh*t a couple weeks ago, but you can stop going on about that as well. Granted, for that very reason, I was actually going to omit them today. But come on, it’s a bottle of Ciroc wearing a teeny-tiny Palace puffer jacket. You expect me to leave that out? Get a hold of yourself. Jesus, some people. But anyway, let’s move past your little moment there. Although, now I think about it, I shouldn’t be commending Palace for anything ever again. A couple weeks ago, like an idiot, I lauded the Palace x Moschino collab to only then go to the website an hour later, like an excited child on Christmas morning, and to have my pathetic little heart broken when I saw that they were trying to charge about 300 quid for what was ostensibly a fancy f*cking football shirt. Yet here I am, back again, like some sort of pathetic hypebeast of burden. But just look at those little sleeves though. I’m buying 10. God, I hate myself.

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Marvel Memoirs.

An anagram of Stan Lee is ‘Le Sante’, which, if you don’t speak French, could mean ‘the saint’, probably. And in many ways, he was a saint. A man famed for his decency and kindness, despite being the bloke who laid the foundations for basically every fifth film to come out of Hollywood in the last 10 years. But he certainly doesn’t have the mouth of a saint. In honour of his, erm, liberal lexicon, one of his former sound engineers released this animation of one of his famous rants. Billed as a “real recording of one of my favourite memories of the old man”, the video is essentially a minute-long celebration of the word ‘f*ck’ and all of its many uses. And, to be fair, he makes an incredibly compelling argument. So allow me to leave you on the words of the late, great Stanley Martin Lieber: Fuck you.

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realsh*t: Dairy Special.

Is dairy scary for Gen Z? Why are more and more young people giving up milk for dairy-free alternatives? And are they hypocrites if they then go scoff a load of Häagen-Dazs?

As part of our collaboration with The Grocer, we asked our SELFHOOD network for the unfiltered low-down on dairy.

Real People, Real Time… Realsh*t.

Read The Grocer's Article