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Volume 309

This week’s coolsh*t is out of this world. We’ve got alien art, celestial skincare, and interstellar real estate. Oh, and there’s a morsel of cannibalism in there too. Bon appétit!

Art Vs. Aliens.

I don’t want to start this week’s coolsh*t by sounding like a tinfoil hat-wearing crackpot, but aliens are real and they’re living in Utah. Utah, famously, is also the motherland of Mormons, who are also pretty frightening – but that’s a conversation for another time. Although I did always think ‘Mormon’ sounded like a type of alien, so maybe there’s something there. But anyway – last week, officers from the Utah Department of Public Safety were counting sheep in the desert, and in between the involuntary naps that come with that particular occupation, they happened upon a 3-metre tall, mysterious metal monolith. And now the world is very confused. There are just so many questions. Who built it? Why is it there? Why were they counting sheep? Naturally, the internet has gone wild and pinned this directly on some other-worldly beings. Sadly, though, all signs are pointing to this being a human-made structure, with many attributing it to the late, New Mexico-based minimalist artist John McCracken. Which sounds convincing – but that’s just what they want you to think, man! Wise up folks, or they’ll be counting sheeple in the desert next.

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By now, I think it’s pretty much universally accepted that we could all probably do with eating a little less meat. The problem: it just tastes so damn good. And nobody wants to be a soy boy beta cuck. If only there was a way of eating meat, but without harming animals or the planet. Well, thanks to a group of ‘scientists’ who probably drink Rockstar Energy and love Slipknot, now there just might be. And it’s closer to home than you might think. So what’s for dinner then? You are. Introducing the Ouroboros Steak: a new type of meat grown from human cells scraped from the inside of the cheek and fed serum from old donated blood. Mmm, medium rare please, garçon. But don’t worry, the dwellers of the dark abyss who developed the steak have assured the world that, despite being named after a snake that eats its own kind, this is absolutely, unequivocally, 100% not cannibalism – technically. Phew, what a relief – can’t wait to try it.

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Dr. Mars.

Who owns Mars? NASA? Elon Musk? The Martians? Actually, it’s this bloke. Dr. Philip Davies, a 55-year-old GP from Hampshire. Well, he doesn’t quite own it yet, but he’s trying bloody hard to do so. This is new to me, but Phil has actually had designs on the red planet for almost a decade now. Since 2010, the good doctor has spent most nights firing a laser beam Mars-wards in an attempt to ‘create an atmosphere’ on the planet (although if he wanted to do that, he should have just played Spirit of the Blues through a really loud speaker). Phil claims that, according to current space laws, he actually already owns Mars. UN regulations state, to claim part of a planet, you have to show that you have taken measures to make it ready for ‘sustained use’. Phil’s little laser, which is 10,000x more powerful than the standard pointer that cats chase, releases CO2 particles when it strikes Mars’ surface, thus making it slightly more liveable. But why, I hear you ask, on Earth (or Mars) is he bothering with all this? The answer is simple: to stop the Russians getting their hands on our neighbouring planets and weaponizing them – durh, obviously. This is a lot to take in, and it’s hard to know what to make of it. I mean, I respect his hustle, but if he was my doctor, I think I’d probably go get a second opinion before letting him near me with a scalpel.

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The gaming world has been pretty hectic over the last few weeks. With the PS5 having just arrived and a new Xbox on the way, it’s a good time to be a gamer. But if you get tired of shooting communists in the new Call of Duty: Black Ops and fancy something a bit more AW20 than AK-47, then look no further. In a continuation of their exploration of dystopia, Balenciaga will be launching their forthcoming autumn 2021 line in Afterworld: The Age of Tomorrow, a video game set in the post-apocalyptic world of 2031. I’ve often lamented all that boring football in FIFA and the shameful lack of any “hero avatars travelling throughout distinct zones, motivated by tasks and interactions anchored to mythological pasts and projected futures with timeless archetypes and speculative imagery from which players who complete the game can transcend into a virtual utopia” – so I think this is just what the gaming industry has been crying out for.

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Hands, Face, Space.

In an industry full of titans such as Avon and Clarins, how can Estée Lauder get middle-aged women to buy their face cream over those of their rivals? Why, the International Space Station, of course! Because what do ageing aunties love more than space exploration? In a slightly bizarre turn of events, the beauty brand will be contracting NASA to take 10 bottles of their Advanced Night Repair Formula to the ISS to hold a photoshoot with the actual Earth providing the backdrop. Blimey, you’ve got to feel for the Account Manager on that one. How much does a stunt like this cost though? Interstellar advertising doesn’t come cheap, so will be setting Mrs. Lauder back a hefty $128,000. You might think that doesn’t sound too bad considering all of the work that will have to go into it, but need I remind you that you could get 7 whole sponsored Instagram posts from Love Island 2019 runner-up, Molly-Mae Hague, for that price. So I bet you feel pretty silly now.

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ZAK x The Grocer.

For a lot of young people, milk has turned sour. With more young consumers than ever before turning their backs on the white stuff, The Grocer challenged us to create a new dairy brand to engage Gen Z.

Our fix: FIX.

Click the link below to read the article and see how we created Gen Z’s new favourite dairy brand.

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