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Volume 308

Salut! It's Friday, go grab yourself an ale. In this week’s coolsh*t, we’re bringing you a milky mash-up, a playlist fit for a President, and the chance to win big this Christmas to the tune of £25k with a side of liver failure.

Boris the Menace.

Everyone likes a bit of satire, but Private Eye is just simply way too long. And have you seen how small the print is? You’d have to really love current affairs-based quips to read that bad boy cover to cover. If only there was some form of social satire for the adult who wants to laugh, but doesn’t want to do too much pesky reading. Well, now there is. In what I imagine will be a nostalgic throwback for some people (not me, I grew up on The Simpsons and thought comics were antiques), Beano are releasing a special adult edition, ‘Beanold’. While something billed as an ‘Adult Beano’ sounds positively scarring, it’s not half as sordid as that title might suggest. It features some Beano staples such as Dennis the Menace and Gnasher, as well as a bumbling Boris Johnson, an ill-sighted Dominic Cummings, and tributes to Marcus Rashford feeding some bloody kids, Greta Thunberg planting some bloody trees and Captain Tom walking some bloody laps. So if your TV, laptop, iPad and phone are all broken, go pick up a Beano for some topical hoots, hollers, guffaws and other words I imagine people used to say when Beanos were about.

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A Symbolic Stunt.

The long-awaited UK PS5 release date finally arrived yesterday, thrilling footballers and dorks alike. But what you probably missed from the cocoon of your home office was Sony’s redecoration of Oxford Circus station. They added a triangle, square and cross to the existing circle to turn the four tube station signs into a controller, and your mind into subliminal marketing putty. Is it a bit strange to do a big OOH stunt during a national lockdown when the vast majority of Britons are working from home? Sure. But for me this just highlighted what an unstoppable behemoth social media has become for marketeers. And that’s because I first came across this story thanks to an Instagram page called ‘Roadman Review’, which is typically devoted to posting videos of people fighting and updates on the goings-on in the grime scene – you know, all the things that matter most to middle class white people from Kent. The true crowning glory of all this, though: if you look just behind the square button, you’ll see a huge Microsoft store. Pure violation. Have that, Bill Gates – stick to microchipping grannies.

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Everything seemed so simple when Obama was elected. Admittedly, that may be because I was 11 at the time. Even recently though, I saw an old video resurface of him sinking a 3-pointer before swaggering off the court, and I thought to myself ‘yeah, that’s what a President should look like’. Whereas I imagine Trump’s favourite sport is badger-baiting, and Biden, while being able to zip along a stage pretty impressively, probably won’t be doing any slam dunks any time soon. Well, just when you thought ol’ Barry couldn’t get any cooler, he drops his official Presidential playlist. And it’s double decent. I’m particularly enjoying the image of Obama bouncing around the oval office to the tune of Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ to get himself pumped up for a congressional address. Is this a PR move? Probably. Do I care? Absolutely not. This does beg the question as to what Obama’s successors’ playlists will look like though. For Trump, I can only assume it would be full of his beloved ‘Little Pimp’, along with a smattering of death metal sprinkled in between Miles Cyrus’ ‘Party in the USA’. And I’m imagining some doo-wop bangers for Biden. Time will tell.

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Milking It.

The intersection where Palace meets Moschino was previously only found in the get-up of a 16-year-old with more money than sense on the way to his first rave. But now things are different. In a true meeting of the minds, the legendary London Streetwear brand have teamed up with Italian luxury fashion house Moschino (who, granted, have been a bit shit for about 20 years) to produce a collection for the ages. Usually I dismiss hypebeastly collaborations with a derisive scoff, but I’m afraid to say this one’s got me. Even the reptilian bloke talking about peace and love at the end of the teaser video wasn’t enough to deter me. As well as the classic, aggressively-loud shirts that Moschino made their name on, highlights of the drop include monogram jeans, shearling jackets for lonely people, and a motorcycle helmet for anyone who wants to encourage fellow motorists to run them off the road. The pièce de résistance though, and a resounding middle finger to the vegans of the world, is a leather bag made in the shape of a milk carton. Ouch. Sorry Oatly. Stick that in your environmentally-conscious pipe and smoke it. Actually no, don’t – think of the turtles!

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Billy and the Beer Factory.

Brewdog just get sh*t right. We’ve already shouted them out a few times this year, but they really could get an honourable mention most weeks. From the release of their ‘Lockdown Lager’ way back in March, to an unlikely collaboration with Aldi to make the ‘Ald IPA’, to the ‘Barnard Castle Eye Test IPA’ (which has just been renamed the ‘Cummings & Goings IPA’), they’ve always got some bright ideas brewing. Oh, and in that time they’ve also planted a sh*tload of trees, made a ton of charitable donations, and become carbon negative. In short: they’re good eggs. But this time they’ve gone above and beyond their own lofty standards by giving away a quarter of a million quid. The gold rush is well and truly on, as this week, ten 24-carat gold cans of Punk IPA have been released onto the shelves of Britain. And unlike Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, you don’t just win a tour around some poxy factory that kills kids (that film really was disturbing); you get cold, hard cash. Every person lucky enough to stumble across a gold can will get £15,000 in cash and £10,000 worth of Brewdog shares. Oh, and you do actually get a tour around the factory, but they’ve promised not to murder any sauerkraut-guzzling, diabetic German kids. So start throwing down some premium ales for your chance to win big this Christmas.

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realsh*t: Money Edition

Are young people as crap with money as we think? Does social media pressure them to buy things they don’t need, with money they don’t have? Or are technological quantum leaps enabling them to become a uniquely finance-conscious generation? In the age of Monzo, Starling and Paypal, are the more traditional branches in trouble?

We asked our SELFHOOD network how they budget their dough, what finance means to them, and what the bank of tomorrow looks like.

Real People, Real Time… Realsh*t.

More realsh*t