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Volume 302

Quit your job right now. In this week’s coolsh*t, we’re gifting you with your true career path, along with your new robot butler and enough carrots and cranberry juice to see you through this long winter.

New Job, Who Dis?

It’s been a difficult week for those who work in the arts, as Rishi Sunak has essentially told them to sack it all off and start again on a new career path. Which is pretty outrageous, and we here at ZAK just want to assure all the work-shy, unemployed, languishing musicians and artists out there that we are 100% on their side and support their right to never get a proper job. Kidding, obviously. But guitarists and co need not fret, as they haven’t been left completely high and dry. All those who have spent their entire lives honing their craft will be given a helping hand in working out what they should re-train as, thanks to this official government questionnaire. No, really – I thought this was a spoof, but it’s a legit government site. Basically, you spend 5 minutes answering rudimentary personality questions, and lo and behold, your obvious career path reveals itself. I gave it a go myself, and as it turns out, I should quit my job and re-train as… An actor. Oh cool, so I should be pursuing a career in the arts – you couldn’t make this up. Although to be fair, I did have a brief career as a child actor when I gave my Bottom in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, so maybe it’s worth rekindling.

Do the Questionnaire

Jeeves 3000.

When I say Toyota, you probably think of a Prius. Or maybe a Yaris if you’re feeling fruity. But they’re so much more than just mere purveyors of sensible hatchbacks; their robotics division would attest to that. This week, the Toyota Research Institute (TRI) gave the world a glimpse into their growing world of automatons. The range is pretty extensive, but one machine really stole the show – the hanging robot butler designed to help out old people around the house. It’ll wipe down your surfaces, it’ll empty your dishwasher, it’ll even hand you a glass of sherry – and, most importantly, it WILL NOT turn on you when the great machine war inevitably comes. This really could be the perfect gift for an aging loved one. Well, assuming the terror of seeing a robot descending from their ceiling in the morning doesn’t finish them off. If they manage to get through that, then this could be the ideal companion to watch Downtown Abbey with and reminisce about The Blitz.

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Wildest Dreams.

The internet can sometimes get a bad name. Social media, in particular, can often seem like a vacuous void where only hatred and negativity may survive. But although it oft taketh away, sometimes it also giveth something quality. Case in point: Doggface208. After recording what he probably thought was a fairly inconsequential TikTok of himself longboarding to the tune of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Dreams’, Mr. Doggface managed to send the internet into a frenzy. Nobody’s entirely sure why the video got as massive as it did, but there is definitely just something soothingly cathartic about seeing this bloke cruising amongst the chaos without a care in the world. Mick Fleetwood then got involved with his own recreation – and no wonder, given that ‘Dreams’ has just had its most ever streams in a week and Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours’ album is suddenly back in the charts. This week, life continues to get crazier for Doggface, as he was just gifted with a brand new truck and a lifetime supply of Ocean Spray cranberry juice. I really enjoy the sharp contrast you get between Doggface and the representative sent by Ocean Spray, who looks super cool in his smart-caj sunglasses x chino combo and is probably named something like ‘Chad’ or ‘Hunter’. Nonetheless, congrats to Doggface208; one of the true good guys of the internet.

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In what has quickly become one of the most controversial, and certainly strangest, artworks of the year, 30 tonnes worth of carrots were dumped on the doorstep of Goldsmiths University in Lewisham this week. Spanish-Welsh artist Rafael Perez Evans, who was behind the piece, claims that it was inspired by his own upbringing in rural Spain and was intended to highlight “the tensions in visibility between the rural and the city”. To say that the work has proved divisive would be an understatement. If the goal was to attract attention, then mission successful. Some are claiming that the piece is inspired and provoking. But others claim that it was a tremendous waste of carrots and are unable to see the light in the dark in Evans’ work. Ah, now I think I know what their issue might be…

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Born to be Rad.

There are plenty of elements of UK culture that have been imported from the States. Some good: all you can eat buffets, hip-hop, Louis Theroux. Others, less good: cheese in a can, the word ‘prom’, our Prime Minister. But skateboarding and the skatepark culture that surrounds it is definitely one for the former category rather than the latter. While this may be a cultural phenomenon that we have pinched from our transatlantic cousins, a distinctly British scene has grown and evolved over the last 40 years or so. Much of this culture has been built around what has become the Mecca for UK skaters, Rom Town – one of the first skateparks to be built in England and still the world’s only historically-recognized skatepark. After 15 years in the making, ‘Rom Boys: 40 Years of Rad’, is finally here to tell the unique story of the East London skatepark and the trials and tribulations that its loyal patrons have faced over the years in their attempts to keep it alive. If shirtless, middle-aged blokes gleefully plummeting earthwards into concrete is your kind of thing, then you’ll love this.

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Spirit of the Blues.

Being the solitary blue in a predominantly red office, I’m not sure how this is going to go down with some of the ZAK higher-ups. But carpe diem, nil satis nisi optimum and all that – I’m rolling the dice. Besides, it’s rare that I have something to be happy about as an Everton fan. Not only are Everton topping the league table, we’re also now racing up the charts with a song released way back in the halcyon days of 1985. Thanks to a fan campaign, this absolute banger managed to soar past the likes of Justin Bieber, Harry Styles and Lady Gaga to grab the number 3 spot in the official charts this week after being the most downloaded song in the UK. Which is great, but I feel like I’ll look back on this as an ominous foreshadowing for the season ahead – not bad, but in the end we win nothing. But hey, at least the song has been co-signed by John Travolta, who this week confessed his “love” for the club he presumably hadn’t heard of a week ago, so good luck stopping us now we’ve got the entire Church of Scientology behind us. But enough of me, to close out this week’s coolsh*t, I’ll just let the music video play out in all its Evertonian glory.

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