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Volume 299

Is there life on Venus? In this week's coolsh*t, we're bringing you extraterrestrial evidence, a broke billionaire, and a glimpse into Slowthai's weird brain. Check it out.

The Joe Biden Experience.

Typically we try not to muddy the crystal clear waters of coolsh*t with anything overly political, but this was too good to miss. With what feels like a generation-defining election just around the corner, Joe Biden and Donald Trump are both now firmly on the campaign trail. What will already be an unprecedented build up to the election may be about to get a great deal more unprecedented, as public pressure is growing for Joe Rogan to host a debate between the two candidates live on his eponymous podcast (and one side has already verbally agreed, ish). Which sounds properly mental, but is it? Yes – but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. A 3-hour, unfiltered, unedited conversation between the two men vying to be the leader of the free world, hosted by a disinterested moderator, certainly doesn’t sound like a terrible idea. Not to mention the opportunity it would represent for both candidates to reach a largely new, and often disengaged, audience on the most influential podcast in the world in front of millions of people. Plus, if things don’t work out then Rogan can just slip them both some DMT and make them wrestle while he blows an Aztec death whistle.

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The Pleated-Pantsed Philanthropist.

From one eccentric billionaire to another, except this one is probably a little more generous and a little less tanned. Usually if you hear about an 89-year-old man going broke, it isn’t a terribly happy story, but this might just be the exception. Chuck Feeney, former multi-billionaire and founder of Duty Free shopping, vowed decades ago to give away his fortune and die skint, and at long last he has just signed away his final penny. Well, almost – he’s set $2million aside for him and his wife to live on. Selfish bastard. Although after 40 years and about $8billion worth of charitable donations, I reckon we’ll let him off. So next time you score a discounted bottle of Smirnoff and a carton of Marlboro Gold on your way back from Corfu, spare a thought for Chuck.

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Life on Venus.

No, this isn’t a dodgy David Bowie x Bananarama mash up. This is real. Maybe. Probably. We’re not sure. Scientists have discovered large quantities of a toxic gas called phosphine in Venus’ atmosphere, which apparently suggests the existence of some form of alien life on our neighbouring planet. Those same scientists have been careful to manage expectations, stating that this is not necessarily definitive proof of the existence of aliens. However, the sheer quantity of phosphine cannot be explained by any known process other than life. So basically, in short, Glemflarb and his Venusian mates are definitely bowling around Venus and now that they know we’re on to them will inevitably come down imminently and destroy humanity. So that’s what’s next for 2020 then. Who had alien invasion?

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Twistin' My Melon, Man.

Legendary London streetwear brand Palace have teamed up with music royalty for their latest collaboration, enlisting Shaun Ryder and Bez from the Happy Mondays to help create some garms. It must have been a real honour for everyone at Palace to work with one of the most talented musicians of his generation – and Shaun Ryder. Oh come on, Bez was one hell of a percussionist. And he could dance for days on end; god knows where all that energy came from. Besides, it can’t be easy to shake maracas when you have no idea where, who, why, what or when you are – so show Bez the respect he deserves. The highlight of the unveiling video was Shaun Ryder bemoaning the garish clothing people send to him as a 60-year old man, making it clear that he’s far too dignified at this point in his life to wear a “big flowery f*ckin smart f*ckin laughin f*ckin acid house f*ckin t shirt”. It’s at this point he seems to realise that he’s holding a ludicrously colourful jacket of the very ilk that he’d just lambasted, so quickly adds, “…but I would wear that…”. Nice save, course you would.

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A Sting in the Tail.

Scoliosis was a word that I was not familiar with at the start of the year. However, after almost 6 months of working from home on a wooden kitchen chair, it is now an affliction that myself and my crippled spine are all too aware of. Consequently, I recently decided to quit my kvetching and treat myself to a shiny new desk chair. But I was immediately shocked and appalled by the complete dearth of any decent arachnid-shaped options. Now my prayers have been answered, as the good people at Cluvens have just released a zero-gravity gaming chair in the shape of a giant scorpion. And what do you know, it even comes with a massage setting. Hallelujah! Goodbye backpain; hello sitting in a zero-gravity scorpion. Wonder if anyone will notice in my Monday morning Zoom call.

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Don't Let Them Eat Cake.

Slowthai did not echo Marie Antoinette’s famous sentiment about cake, and with good reason too – as in his case, the ‘they’ was his doctor who had just copped off with his missus, and the ‘cake’ was his own appendages along with the baby that he had just given birth to. Ok, if you haven’t watched the video already, that previous sentence probably requires some explanation. So here goes: Northampton-based rapper and full-time mad lad Slowthai released a new music video this week, and it’s equal parts unreal and unsettling. I like Slowthai, but there’s definitely something deeply wrong with him. I won’t try to describe the video step by step as I’m not sure I would know how, so it’s probably best you just watch it for yourself. What I will say though, is that it is very much an allegory for this year – things start off with positivity and hope, and before you know it, the world around you crumbles while you watch on helplessly from bed. And then people eat your hands. I didn’t say it was a perfect analogy. Still a few months left though, so who knows.

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