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Volume 283

Wheel it up. In this week’s coolsh*t we bring you the D&B documentary, the future of football fans, and a bloke with music in the palm of his hands. Plus there’s a quiz at the end to see if you’re a lockdown Boomer.

7-Story Elon.

I had been expecting to be able to write about the success of SpaceX and NASA’s glorious first joint enterprise this week, but apparently it was breezy out so that all got scrapped. Well, his launch may not have been a success, but I’m sure Elon Musk’s misery will have been somewhat assuaged by the honour bestowed on him by the people of Tulsa, who decided to immortalize him in the form of a gold-coloured 75-foot-tall statue made in his likeness. Oh, ok then – cool. Apparently the statue was erected in an attempt to woo Musk into opening a Tesla factory in the city rather than in Texas – but I think it might be a tiny bit overkill. To compare this to actual ‘wooing’; this is the equivalent of getting somebody’s phone number and then turning up unannounced at their house with an effigy you made of them to show how much you like them. That person isn’t getting a date, they’re getting arrested. So good luck Tulsa, but maybe just take it down a notch or two next time.

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Lots of people have been using all their recent time at home to get creative. Some paint, some bake, some sing. But those activities are all far too tame for David Cata, so he decided to sew some strings into his hand and start playing himself like a violin. And apparently this wasn’t a sufficient level of epidermal mutilation for Cata, as he then proceeds to place pictures of people he cares about under the superficial skin of his hand, and grows a flower out of these pictures to symbolize their internalization as a part of himself. Deep. That’s certainly one way to express your appreciation for your loved ones. Think I’ll stick to Moonpig and a voucher though.

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Dutty Documentary.

The Drum and Bass community hold the impressive accolade of being the only people who love sweaty warehouses even more than Jeff Bezos. After 5 years of production, Drum&BassArena have finally released their long-anticipated documentary ‘The Movement’ which maps the evolution of the genre since 1996 and features D&B legends such as Andy C, Kasra and Goldie. The full doc is now out, but I thought it might be a stretch to include the full 80 minutes – so you can at least take a look at the trailer here, which features a surprising brag from MC Skibadee that he is “actually quite, really good on the flute as well”. Didn’t expect that, but I don’t doubt it. I also like how he went to say “quite good” and quickly thought to himself: ‘no, I am grossly underselling my prowess as a flautist; I’ll say really good’. Concrete respect, my selecta.

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iPhone 12.

Take a look at your new phone: a genetically-modified robotic leech. In fact, it will be so much more than a phone, so take a look at ‘your personal trainer, your personal doctor and your inseparable friend and adviser’. And the best part; you’ll never be caught short without a charger ever again, as this phone is powered by feeding off of your blood. Ok, don’t panic – fortunately this is just a product of Moscow-based artist and designer Aristarkh Chernishev’s imagination and isn’t actually a real phone. Yet. As time goes on, life is starting to feel more and more like a Black Mirror episode, so this doesn’t even look that unusual at this point. Neuralink are currently working on an artificial implant that will be inserted into the user’s skull to improve their cognition, so a blood-sucking phone looks like child’s play in comparison.

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Armchair Fans.

Sport is well and truly on its way back. And thank God too – I’m sick of wasting all my time reading books, exercising and trying to learn new skills to better myself. Football has already returned in some countries in the last couple weeks, but one persistent problem that all clubs have so far struggled with is recreating some sort of atmosphere in the absence of thousands of cheering and jeering fans. FC Seoul have showed the world how not to do it by filling their stands with sex dolls, but now Yamaha are trying to show how it can be done, through the launch of their ‘Remote Cheerer’ app in Japan. The Remote Cheerer will allow fans watching in their living rooms to make their voices heard via their smartphones, and these voices will then be played in realtime through the stadium’s loudspeakers. I must admit, I was sceptical at first and initially thought I wouldn’t want this in the Premier League – but the fact that they have specifically said that the app can be used to “berate” players and officials has swayed me. It would certainly add a bit of bite to have “the referee’s a w*nker” reverberating around stadiums up and down the country once again. So this is terrible news for referees and players, but a dream come true for internet trolls everywhere.

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Ok, Boomer: Lockdown Edition.

Ok, Boomer. It’s time for a lockdown pop quiz. Same rules as last time: go down the list and award yourself a point for every term you can correctly define. Stay tuned for the answers reveal from our SELFHOOD network in a couple weeks.

Go To Selfhood Page.