COOL SH*T

Volume 261

THE X-MAS FACTOR.

I like Christmas, it’s fine – but I really like Christmas dinner. 2000 Brits have taken part in a survey to determine the true ranking of the various items on a Christmas dinner plate. But they’re wrong – so I’ve decided to save you some time and write my own list instead:

1) Stuffing
2) Turkey
3) Potatoes
4) Gravy
5) Yorkshire Puddings
6) Sprouts
7) Pigs in Blankets (should really be a pre-lunch appetiser, but I’ll let that go.)
8) Cauliflower Cheese
9) Parsnips
10) Christmas Pudding

*As a side note: If you have peas with your Christmas dinner, then you are a disgrace and a joke.

This Christmas, give your children the gift of emotional torment.

I was under the impression that Christmas was about giving/receiving socks, reluctantly making small talk with relatives, and eating your own body weight in turkey. But apparently in some parts of the world there’s much more of an emphasis on fear – so here are 7 of the weirdest Christmas traditions from across Europe. My personal favourite is the Alsatian tale of Hans Trapp, who disguises himself as a scarecrow and surfaces every Christmas to look for children to eat. How cheerful.

FOLLOW THE MARIAH.

We live in uncertain times, but one thing we can always be certain of is that Mariah Carey will emerge from her 11-month cryogenically-induced hibernation around this time of year. 25 years after its release, ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’, has finally reached the top of the US charts. Unfortunately for Mariah, she’s unlikely to achieve the same feat in the UK, as it looks like some bloke called ‘LadBaby’ singing about sausage rolls will be topping the charts this Christmas for the 2nd year in a row. Rule Britannia.

GAY JESUS.

If you’re sick of Elf and fancy giving a new Christmas film a go this year, look no further than ‘The First Temptation of Christ’. Netflix’s Brazilian Christmas parody depicts a gay Jesus and a weed-smoking Mary – and apparently some people aren’t best pleased about that. The film has now received over 2 million complaints demanding its removal from the platform, so get in there quickly and enjoy the escapades of Our Lord and Saviour and his boyfriend Orlando while you still can.

KENTUCKY FOR CHRISTMAS.

This isn’t a new tradition – but it is new to me. Apparently, millions of people in Japan will be celebrating Christmas this year huddled around a KFC ‘Party Barrel’ (which sounds much more upmarket than a ‘Bargain Bucket’). 45 years ago, KFC Japan began promoting fried chicken as a Christmas dinner option with the ingenious slogan “Kentucky for Christmas”. Since then, the tradition has snowballed, and families now often have to place their orders weeks in advance in order to get their share of festive fried chicken. I’ve made it clear that I have some pretty strong views on Christmas dinner – but I wouldn’t say no to a couple hot wings on the side.

THOSE PESKY DEMONS AGAIN.

If you don’t like robins, holly, joy or cheer, then you may well feel under-represented in the Christmas card market. Fret no more, as the weird minds at Rogue Studio have gone out of their way to bring you some ‘alternative’ card designs, ranging from bizarre to creepy to mildly disturbing. Why have a picturesque winter scene you could have a horned demon with a barrel of cherries on his back dragging two young children around with chains? Ditch Moonpig this Christmas, and get one of these to give your nan a festive fright.

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